True Love


true love

As you know I’m now 34 years old and I’ve been with 50 guys in my life, I’m married with 2 different man and I never feel that’s a True Love, I even don’t know what is LOVE in this life.

I’ve been hurt with a man who I’m in love with for almost 8 years since I was in high school, we’ve been together, I recently give a trust on my belongings. He could bring my car to his home, even I gave him so much materials which he needs but he ditch me with a beautiful girl his neighbour. Do I have to hate him?

I don’t know what to do in that time, I’ve been lost because of him. He drove that girl with my car and suddenly my mother seen him with that girl and got so angry with him. My Mom wants me to break up with him, I’ve been so very lost. I took a journey to Jogja in that time, I met another man with no love at all. But he recently purpose me on 2004, I can’t resist him but accepted him with no love.

I married for the first time on 2004, I don’t even think what life of marriage looks like. All I know is my mom and my dad could live happily ever after until now. I never took a test about being a wife, I never learn about being a mom and suddenly I recovered from my sick hurt love than decided to take a divorced with my first husband.

And than I met a lot of man in my life, I also going out with lecturer’s, I also going out with business man, going out with some jerk from art’s life, going out with almost 40 different’s man in my life after my divorced.

All I want is just looking for my TRUE LOVE. I don’t know is that really exist in my life or that’s just for everyone but me. Sad thing in this life I never been with my TRUE LOVE, who I think everyday, who I miss everyday, who I admire every time, who I adore every time, who I said in all my stories, who I dream it every night.

I went to film school than I met this really nice man, he’s my lecturer in one of my class. I’ve been so close to him and let’s just call him “Pineapple”, he took me to his friends and all. After all, he’s in love with me. So romantic at first, I don’t know if I have to be serious with him or not. But most of all, I’ve been so confused with my Love’s life. Could I have really TRUE LOVE in this world or that’s just some fairy story which I always read or watch on the movies???

He also acquaint me to his best friends and there’s really some beginning mistakes of my heart. When he introduced me to one of his friends which makes my life changing very dramatics. Suddenly, I’m in love with one of his friends. We just called him “Elephant”, ok? (Don’t ask me why I call him that…???)

Well enough, the first step I’m going with Pineapple and met of his friends, I also seen Elephant in cafe and he never talk to me, I looked at him and all I see is myself on his eyes. Recently, my heart beat going so fast when I looked into Elephant. He’s a quiet man, book’s reader and his friends call him nerd. We have no things in common, he’s so quiet, nerd, but as I am, I’m very active’s person, I talk a lot, I make friends a lot, I also love to discuss for everything in this life.

—– 4 years later ——- (2010)

Me and Elephant never seen each other, I don’t even know where he is. We live in the different part of this life, but suddenly Pineapple brings him to the office which I worked too in that office. I don’t know why or I don’t know what exactly he’s doing over there.

I just known Elephant just came from his studied at French, he still the same as I seen him but a little bit fat and also have long hair. Wow, he’s fascinating!!! I’m blushed and couldn’t even talk or even see him through the eyes. He’s adorable and look so handsome. I’m so embarrassed with him and couldn’t even sit closed to him.

After awhile, Pineapple ask Elephant to help him in the office and work together as a team with me and a couple of person’s. I barely don’t understand what is God wants from my react of it.

Well than, I got so closed with Elephant, he called me, he email me, he chat with me and everyday I have smile because of him. He made my day through a bad and good, turns me really into him and I think I’m falling in love with him for the very first time. Is this LOVE??? or is it TRUE LOVE???

Damn, I don’t even know what to write on my diary. All his email, chatting and stuff he send it to me, I was keep it in my folder and I really happy in that time.

But… I’ve been going out with Pineapple for almost 4 years, I don’t even know what to do now, if someone asking me about Pineapple, I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel the same way like I feel with Elephant. Mostly, I known love is from Elephant, might be Pineapple is just my runaway’s man.

First things when I got really attracted to Elephant, I can’t tell him how much I always want to be with him, even in the work’s situation but he’s so calm and I really comfortable with him. I can’t tell him how much I love him so much because I’m dating his best friend’s and I know it will be so chaos one day. So I stopped of being so nervous around him, I do ask him one thing. I ask Elephant do I have to get married with Pineapple or the other man, his answered the other man.

Than… I have my 2nd married with the other man which I don’t really love enough with him. I just continuing my journey of life without love or even feel it.

—- 1.5 years later —- (2012)

It’s happening again, I take my 2nd divorced. Stupid things though but I just don’t want another lie come from my heart and my behaviour. I feel nothing at all, do I sad? I don’t feel anything! It’s the same things I feel in my 2nd marriage. It’s just like continuing be some fools.

And… Guess what???

I’m heading to Elephant’s house. I don’t know why I step to his house, I don’t know why I chose him than Pineapple. I don’t know why I continuing help Elephant’s not going to Pineapple’s house.

I can’t think after that, I just want to talk with him even just silly conversation’s or dumb questions but I feeling so secure with him, I feel comfortable enough with him. We decided to go to the some mall which is closed to his house. Suddenly, I asked him about his feelings with me and than I’m shocked what he’s said. He said he’s loving me but he couldn’t marrying me with so much things in his minds that day. I don’t know what to react with his answered. Do I have to smile, sad, crying, happy or leave him alone. Damn, I’m so messed that night.

We never seen each other again after that night. And I feel so lost him in the middle of nowhere, I can find him in the crowded places, he just gone…

But stupid things from me is I still remember exactly when is his birthday and I always send a bunch of stupid’s gift which I even don’t know he needs that or not, or even he gave it to other’s people. I got nothing from him even he’s thank you card or even call from him, or even email from him which he always done that before. That’s why I called it stupid things to do.

Well after that… I give up!!! I still don’t know whether it’s really my TRUE LOVE or is just a LOVE.

4 years later —- (2016)

It’s beginning of February 14th, honestly I don’t even know that date is a valentine’s day. Hahaha… how stupid I am. Well, I decided just to go to his home and there’s go the really BAD STORY about me and Elephant.

First night with him just fine, love being his best friend again, we talk, we yelled, we laugh, we tell about our story than BOOM he’s gone again in the morning… Hahaha… I don’t know what’s happening to him. Even when I wrote his email which is he just erased it, I don’t know if he reads all my email or just erased it. I never know that.

Second night with him is a little bit anxious. I don’t know we will meet again in his house because I came for giving stuff to his mother and nothing to do with him. But I felt so terrible and don’t know the time so fast and it pointed to  12 o’clock night. And I’m sitting in the middle of nowhere alone and asking all my friends to pick me up at his house but nobody could pick me up. Sad sad sad…

Than He got home with the angry face, such a jerk he opened door like moron and made my heart beating so fast because I’m so freaking out. Damn, I got there because gifting your mom’s present which I got from him is some jerk acting. And I feel so bad.

I ask him to accompany me to the bus station but he walks very fast, I barely could catch his step. I don’t know what’s his problems with me, I came peace but I got bad remarks from him. Well, after all I got asthmatic on the street and I got stuck. He turns around and walk towards me. He said, “I’m going to take you with taxi and you’ll be save with me”. Wow…!!! I’m surprised he told me that, which I thought he mad at me before.

And He’s right… He’s taking me to my friends house with taxi and it seems going well that night.

5 days later

I have a girl friend who closed to me, she seen Elephant that day, she just wanted to know where I am, did I call him, did I contact him, but Elephant isn’t really nice that day. He sounds so angry to her, even if my girl friend doesn’t know exactly what’s going on, she just heard what he’s yelling about. She told me on the phone with crying a lot, she told me what’s wrong with her, did she ever hurt Elephant that makes Elephant so angry with his voice???

Well well well… I’m speechless!!!

I don’t know exactly how this happening, I just known that I send him email than the same day, he just pissed me off. He said to my girl friend, “I don’t like her… I don’t like her, she’s stone head and I don’t want to write or see her again”

Oh MY GOD!!!

I’m really speechless… I don’t know what’s happening or what’s really going on over there, I thought me and him just be best friend again after along journey which makes us separated life but why he said that??? Why he’s breaking my girl friend’s heart and mine too??? What’s going on with him, I don’t know what’s next he will do in the rest of my life.

Now,,,

I’ve been so stressed out, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t have my true smile again, I don’t know what’s happening now. I’ve been sick for almost 40 days now. I’ve been sleeping, get up, sleeping again, drink so many sleeping pills, I even just want to track with my motorcycle and got hit it. I don’t know should I live now or got really LOST in nowhere.

All I know,,, maybe He is my TRUE LOVE who makes me really pissed and lost at the same time. He’s the only one of my journey’s man who had awakened me about love. But I think I’m give up with all my TRUE LOVE findings now. I know God will never show me what it is.

For you Elephant, I know you will read this someday…

I really don’t know what’s your things in your mind that day and until now, all I known is that you already messed me up with all my great story, now I’m just a piece of shit who couldn’t waking up from the nightmares that you gave me. I don’t know what’s your problems is, could we just be friends and stop hurting my feelings anymore or you just love it when you seen me really DOWN. After I wrote this true story, might be you still keep laughing about it, I know you will really happy to seen me like this but as me, I feel relieved to write this for everybody and I think you will read it one day, a time when I might have been out of circulation of your world. I just want a word of apology and explanation from you, why do you have to do like this after what I’ve sacrificed everything for you. You are the one reason I still persist in this miserable life, you only seen me as a daughter of the rich and spoiled, but you know nothing at all. Someday you’ll regret it when it’s already too late for you.

As you know, all your friends who you think is good friends with you, all of them know me and your story, so you will be very sorry and regret everything when I no longer exist. So are you happy now, sir???

This is my TRUE LOVE, there’s no happy ending at all… But I still feeling blessed that God send me this really good scenario for me, might be this is going to be popular someday. 

But when my friends ask me, “what do you want to do in the rest of your life?” I will answer it, “I will always waiting Him (Elephant) to be my TRUE LOVE whatever it takes until the end of my last breath.”

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