People always know I’m just having fun everyday, smile and laughing, making some joke and all but there’s nobody know what’s really in my mind in that time. I was very vulnerable, mostly when I really need a lover to keep me warm, he will never there, when I need more hug from him, he just far away I can’t even catch it where he is.
I got 2 purposes after my last divorced, I got 6 man in my life who always asking me when I will get ready to more step but I just waiting for Him. My Elephant, I know he will never come in this time or maybe until the end of the time but I keep on waiting.
I’ve been trapped with the really bad situation, I have to live with a man who I don’t love or even I can’t like him anymore. I just don’t know why, all the things got really worse at home, honestly I thought My Elephant could come and rescue me in the middle of this sick situation but I guess he will never come.
I’ve been separated for almost 3 months with this man (Pineapples), I don’t know what I have to do, I’ve 1 beautiful girl with him (some mistaken that I made) but I just don’t like to push live a life like this. I got sick enough with all the problems, but nobody could understand that. I live at home like a hell, I don’t even know how to be free in my own home. I’m the only one who works, who paid the bills, who take care of beautiful girl, who paid for our food, who always paid for our gas, who always be the one who have to take care all the stuff at home and now I’m just got sick of being nice. The only person I can rely on is Elephant but than I got so complicated situation with him, so I decided to take Pineapple back to my life with no love and no future’s at all.
3 Weeks ago, Pineapple was got accident with my car, he hit the car on the way to Garut with me and my girl. And Guess what???
I have to find 10 M Rupiah for fix my own car which he made a mistaken, he hit the car and doesn’t get responsibility, I’m just crying… I just want to scream in that time, who will be there with me, who will accompany me in that time??? There’s just God who always guide me to be a nice person, than I have to paid for his mistake with my car. How stupid that was… the best words to write is How STUPID I AM… I will never forgive him about that, my car is still in the service’s place I never want to pay the rest of it, I just paid the down payment about 75%, the rest of it I just don’t want to help him anymore. I just don’t want to look him in the eyes again, I’m trying to get rid of him, I never want to talk to him even if I have to go with him, I will never talk or even discuss anything again with him. I felt just like useless to live like this.
I never tell anybody, because I know all the people’s will feeling sorry for me for what’s exactly I’ve been through all this years. I just been broke this day, I paid to fix his car, I paid to fix his motorcycle, I paid for his cigarette, I paid every single day whatever he takes. Does he ever care about that? No, he just sit around the computer and never want to know how much I have to looking for money to pay everything for him. When I decided to make a beautiful room for my beautiful daughter, than he just stop my friends to build a drawers, he made it himself with a lot of money wasting again because I have to buy another woods and stuff for him which I got really messed up with my savings. I’m just quiet and couldn’t say anything besides crying on my own.
Every night, I always go outside to meet all my friends (which most of it is men) because I just don’t feel well close to him, even I just sit there, laughing, making a jokes, but they will never know my heart’s was really messed. I hope they will never know that, but one of them is my really closed friend, named him Banana. I always told Banana what I’m feeling, why I always cry at night. I have to stand with the person I don’t love but I have to face it every single day with a bunch of requesting money from him which I never complain about. Banana told me, I have to choose the best one for making a best marriage in my life. But heck it… I think I don’t even feel want to have a family anymore after what happen with Elephant, I’m just feeling down and I think I will never be happy again.
And there’s my girl friend who also closed to me, named her Strawberry. She always asking me out with her, meet a new friend of her, hangout with her friends and sometimes she asked me to go to her place just to making a new jokes which made me so calm and relax for awhile. But after all of that, I have to get back to my home and face him again every single day which makes me wanna kill myself.
My mom and dad also asking me to stand for myself, “You can’t hide it every single day because you just don’t want to hurt his feeling, you have to stand by your own.” that words always overshadow my night. So sad, I have this cute little girl who needs him even I have to fight alone on this world.
I had rely on Elephant to be the person who could lean on, the person who understand my situation because after along time I met him (Elephant), he never ask me about money and that’s why I feel so comfortable to talk to him, that’s why I feel so secure with him because he will never asking me to pay for him. But now, he’s gone and I feel very lost, because there’s nobody like him.
I’m sick of heard people’s asking about Pineapple every single day than I cut them in my Facebook, I blocked them in my Whatsapp and all the social media. I really hate to hear that, why why why…
I couldn’t tell them real story, I might be very wrong if I tell them that but I really pissed with all the questions, all the talking, all the comment, they will never know what I really feeling inside. For some people’s, I just being so the devout but they just don’t know why I act like that. I think I have to write this in my blog because I don’t want feeling so regret when everything is really too late.
Someday, Pineapple was acting so weird. He smile than he ask me about marriage, I got so high temper, I should slap him for question me that.
“Hey you spoiled boy, I’ve been in hell with you, are you really have to asking me about marriage after all you done for me??? Do i ever feel in love or happy with you??? Asking yourself about that.” I shouted in my heart but I couldn’t say it with him in the high voices, I just keep thinking about my girl, I just keep calm and only answer, “No, I can’t do it right now with you and I don’t know when I’m ready for you”.
Maybe for some people’s I looked so pussy about this problems, but you don’t know every single minutes I just want to cry, mad, sad, down. I don’t know when this is going to stop in my life or can I have happiness in my life for real???
I’m such an idiot!!!
I don’t know what is going to be in the future, but for now… I just going to be a Runaway’s Bride who don’t know who will be her groom in the future. Even though I still hoping that Elephant some other time will contacting me just to know what’s happening in my life or even just asking me what am I doing, I think that’s just my dream.
Until when I’m going to be a Runaway bride, it looks like a movie but worse than a movie. I’ve been living with that story and it was very sucks in my life. I just waiting for my chance to tell Pineapple and might be he will very angry with my girl, I’m so stuck now. I hope that’s going to be fine in the future even if I have to cry all night long with all the problems inside. And I don’t know when I will be very brave to tell Pineapple what’s his problems for along time with me.